July 19, 2015 Kylies Journal:
Monday, July 20, 2015
journal for mom
July 20th Kylie seems discouraged...
I feel pretty awful this morning. I am having a hard time- for a while feeling consistently motivated. I know I can work harder, be better and really enjoy this work but I’ve found myself at a loss to know what to do. Which is weird because I love being here and being a missionary and I love hard work – yet I find myself tempted to just stop trying and it is just not me. Every morning waking up is impossibly hard. I do not feel happy or well rested and so when 6:30 rolls around I feel like I cant get up. Then I find myself impatient with my comps and unforgiving of small things they’ve done. WHATS WRONG with me?! Throughout the day I feel a rekindling desire to work harder to speak to lots of people and then I get caught up in more angry thoughts about Sister Belavodskia and her constant use and addition to her phone which hinders us all from the Spirit. And it is like if I do not do everything perfect my companions will just do whatever. I don’t think I am strong enough to pull all three of us everyday for 6 weeks and so I’m tired and running out of gas. From the outside I do everything basically right yet I feel nothing. We have no intrinsic motivation – we (my comps) need to be influenced to work. So then why don’t I work harder? Well the first 3 weeks I did – trying to pull it all together – ADD it is too much to remember and do all by myself and I got too serious because I was the one who needed to focus on work all the time – but I realized I needed to learn to be fun then stupid things like not allowed music from our mini’s phones or talking to each other on the street or too long lunches because Sister Belavodskia needs something from a store everyday or we have like 15 “fun” activities planned that are supposed to be fun and hard work too, but almost always turn out to be only fun and a waste of our time. We have done some really good things too and I have learned a lot- don’t get me wrong, but mostly I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of Gods time and used too much of my money (from God Missionary Compensation Fund) for dumb meaningless activities that aren’t really progressing the work and I feel a lot of regret for the time of this transfer. It is hard to be consistent, hard working, and doing all things correctly when you have different minds and wills at play. I know it is no excise though because I can only make decisions for myself. I just don’t know how to find the balance. If I’m too strict our Mini hates me and I know love in a companionship is important, but if I relax AT ALL she takes advantage and things get out of control. I didn’t used to be so uptight, but now I feel regret and disappointment in myself and I want to change, but not just say it. I want to actually do. So now I feel so sad I don’t know where to get the motivation. I came here for a year and a half to dedicate my life to God. SO WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Today I will fast and partake of the Sacrament. I want to make a commitment to work harder- to exercise faith. I want God to know that I am sorry, but I also want to feel ok because I feel so much regret about even the smallest things like 5 minutes too long talking to our Elders when we could have been out on the streets, or calling people. We need to declare REPENTANCE and Salvation to these people. And I need repentance too. Lord, give me the strength to do all of this. Amen.
Posted by Kylie at 1:15 PM